I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
