Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You are a genius and a whore.
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