The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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