tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
