Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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