If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
