my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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