I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
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P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
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He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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