u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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