I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
