Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
