I'm lost and stupid without you.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
