So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
