I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you win again, gameday.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
