everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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