i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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