i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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