Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
