my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
