Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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