last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
