Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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