So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
