The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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