I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
