He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
