There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
