Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
