My sheets look like a crime scene.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
