I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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