life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
My liver just had a heart attack.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
