you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
