I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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