The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
