I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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