so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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