508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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