I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
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Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
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He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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