I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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