omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
