oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
