ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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