I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
