did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
