I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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