I think I died a long time ago.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
