hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
