i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
