When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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