dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
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the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
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I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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