My friends, they love my intelligence
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
