just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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