Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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