i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
