Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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