I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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