why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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